Dear Body, I'm Learning to Love You

When my baby looks in the mirror, she smiles and laughs. Nobody is born hating their reflection. That relationship gets built over time. What happened? Why is it that as adults we begin to look in the mirror and frown? Maybe it started in middle school when someone made a comment about your weight. Or maybe it was a parent who constantly talked about dieting or body fluctuations. Sometimes, it’s more subtle than that-like only seeing a certain body type portrayed as desirable in the media.

As a therapist, I’ve sat with countless people—teens, parents, professionals—who struggle with how they see their bodies. Some tell me they can’t look in the mirror without criticizing themselves. Others confess that a number on a scale has the power to ruin their whole day. And often, there’s a quiet, lingering shame or embarrassment underneath it all.

Body image is deeply personal, and it’s shaped by more than just what we see in our reflection. It’s shaped by what we’ve heard growing up, by cultural expectations, by the silent comparisons we make scrolling through our phones, and by the words others have spoken about our bodies—sometimes even decades ago.

Throughout my early career as a mental health professional I ran several body image groups under the National Eating Disorders Association called The Body Project.” The “Body Project” is an evidenced based program that helps individuals challenge unrealistic beauty ideals and build healthier body image through honest conversation and self-reflection. One of the most common themes I have noticed is the idea that our worth is tied to our appearance. This belief is so widespread that it can feel like an ultimate truth.

There’s a lot of noise around what a body “should” look like. Social media filters, wellness culture, Jewish influencers—it can all be very overwhelming. Many people end up chasing an ideal that isn’t even real. When that ideal feels unattainable, self-blame and frustration begin to settle in.

But here’s the thing: body image is not actually about the body itself. It’s about our thoughts and feelings about our bodies. You can be in a body that others perceive as beautiful and still struggle with body image. Moreover, you can be in a body that’s been judged or marginalized and still learn to build a peaceful, even joyful, relationship with it. I know many people who have proactively worked on “attaining” the body they thought they desired, only to realize that they still struggle significantly with body dissatisfaction. 

Within the Jewish community, body image carries its own layers—quiet, complex, and sometimes rarely spoken about. Whether it’s comments shared casually around the Shabbos table or perhaps the pressure to “look good” for dating, many Jewish individuals, especially women, find themselves caught in a complicated relationship with their bodies. 

There can be unspoken expectations, like maintaining a “put-together” appearance, or deeply internalized beliefs about body size and modesty that make it harder to feel at home in one’s body. Furthermore, the ritual purification process for women through Mikveh can bring up a lot of stress and pain for many women as it relates to body image. There are many steps in the niddah and Mikveh process that require a lot of focus on one’s body and this proves challenging for women across the board. Moreover, I’ve worked with Jewish women who have carried years of shame from remarks made by a well-meaning teacher, mentor, family member, or matchmaker. 

At its core, Judaism teaches the concept of Tzelem Elokim—that every person is created in the image of the Divine. That means your body, exactly as it is right now, holds holiness. It’s not a mistake. It’s not a project that needs fixing. It’s worthy, valuable, and sacred. Even more so, in the Mikveh process it is understood that every single body is a vessel for holiness and purity. Every body-type is accepted in the Mikveh, and the waters have the capability to purify them through and through. No exceptions. 

Bringing this truth into the body image conversation can be profoundly healing. Instead of aiming to perfect the external, we can begin asking ourselves: How can I honor my body as a vessel of soul, of service, of connection? How can I move away from shame and toward a deeper respect for myself and others?

One of the most healing things we can do is shift the way we talk about bodies—our own and others’. Instead of asking, “How do I look?” try asking yourself, “How do I feel in this?” Instead of focusing on shrinking or changing your body, what would it be like to focus on supporting it, nourishing it, and caring for it? Shifting to focus on health and wellness in a balanced way. 

When we move away from appearance as the center of the conversation, we make room for deeper, more meaningful connections—with ourselves and with each other. We begin to see our bodies as instruments and not decorations. Our bodies in essence are vessels that have the ability to carry us through numerous experiences like laughter, loss, growth, pleasure, and love. 

If loving your body feels too far out of reach, you’re definitely not alone. That’s where the idea of body neutrality comes in. It’s not about forcing positivity—it’s about giving yourself permission to not constantly evaluate your body.

The concept of body neutrality is that “I don’t have to love how I look today, but I can still respect my body. I can still feed it, move it, and care for it.” It takes the pressure off. It allows space for healing.

Self-compassion is one of the strongest tools we have when it comes to body image. Noticing our inner critic and responding with kindness instead of judgment is a radical act—especially in a world that profits off of our insecurities (think all the anti-aging beauty creams and skincare regimens). 

When a client tells me, “I hate my stomach,” I don’t rush to contradict them. Instead, I ask, “Where did you learn that it’s not okay to have a soft belly?” or “What does it mean to you to have a body that looks like yours?” These questions invite curiosity instead of criticism. From that space, change can happen.

If you’re struggling with your body image right now, you’re not broken. You’re living in a culture—and sometimes a community—that makes it incredibly difficult to feel at peace in your own skin. It’s not about arriving at some perfect place of constant confidence. It’s about building a relationship with your body that includes kindness, respect, and trust.

I most definitely do not have all the answers. Like all of us, I too struggle with this from time to time. However, I do know this: your body is not the problem. The way we talk about bodies, the unrealistic standards, the lack of representation—those are the problems. And healing starts when we begin to challenge those narratives and reclaim our right to exist in our bodies without shame.

You don’t have to do it all at once. Just start small. Start with curiosity. Start with compassion. And let your body be enough, just as it is today. 

Penina is the director of Jewessence, a seminary in Jerusalem for girls who grew up in religious homes and are exploring their Judaism and mental health. Penina also has a private practice in Ramat Beit Shemesh where she specializes in working with teens and young adults. She resides in Neve Shamir with her husband and four beautiful children.