Making Space for the Good: Male Sexuality

To understand why male sexuality, or sexuality involving a man, evokes mixed emotions in many women, it's enough to look at the common words used for sexual organs and for sexual intercourse between men and women. Everyday language, across many languages, consistently links sexuality with violence. A mild example is the word “penetration”, which is considered relatively “neutral.” A burglar penetrates a home, a soldier penetrates enemy lines, basketball players penetrate the opposing defense, and a needle penetrates the skin. These aren’t necessarily bad actions, but all involve overcoming resistance.

To this language, we can add the frequent depictions in media and conversations around sexuality, which largely focus on its harmful aspects—sexual assault, rape, and the like. Even in the Torah, Bereshit contains numerous descriptions of sexual violence: Dina is tormented, Laban wants to protect his daughters from abuse, and the men of Sodom attempt to assault angels. We don’t hear explicit descriptions of sexual pleasure or the likely joy in the union of Jacob and his beloved Rachel. These aspects are not discussed. The result is that many associations are formed between sexuality and violence, which in turn naturally trigger a need to defend against male sexuality.

It’s important to note that suspicion toward male sexuality isn’t limited to women. Many fathers warn their daughters to be cautious of boys, that “they only want one thing, and don’t let them lie to you.” The desire to protect daughters is of great concern to both male and female relatives. 

This fearful perception of male sexuality often seeps even into loving relationships, where the sexuality is positive and connecting. Even a woman who is happy with her husband may feel that every physical touch is a slippery slope toward intercourse. She may notice that the possibility of ending up in bed arouses in her a desire to stop—feeling she might be pushed into something against her will. Here, it's worth asking: when there is an attempt to progress toward sexual relations—is that inherently a negative desire?

A Place for the Good

There’s also a different discourse. In the Torah, for example, a groom is commanded to bring joy to his wife, which is commonly interpreted to mean through sexual relations. In Hollywood media too, sexuality and love are portrayed as centers of passion and longing—things that everyone is supposed to desire. Wanting to be sexual with a loving partner is seen as natural and blessed, and you won’t find couples’ therapists advising people to reduce sexuality in their marriages.

Sexual relations often brings vitality and positive energy into a relationship in every sense. The fertility woven into the sexual encounter can bring deep joy to partners and open their hearts. Of course, the heart can also be hurt, and like anything significant, sexuality can go wrong and bring pain and difficulty. But that is not always the case—and certainly not the common intention.

Reading through the Bible shows that alongside justified suspicions toward men and the notion that “no one is immune from forbidden desires” (en apotrofus la’arayot), there are also men who control themselves, like Joseph, who refuses Potiphar’s wife, and Boaz, who refrains from lying with Ruth on the threshing floor, despite temptation. It's incorrect to portray all men in one way—the Bible presents varied stories with different outcomes.

Layers of Sexuality

Sexual desire has different layers, and it’s wrong to say that men “only want one thing”—a technical physical act of penetration. There is a biological, impersonal layer to sexuality, rooted in our human drive to grow, create life, and reproduce, and as an experience this can create a feeling of alienation, because “his body wants her body, but it’s not his heart.” But alongside the biological drive, there is also a search for connection. Sexuality involves touch, and physical touch is a primary channel for feeling loved and expressing love. Physical closeness often creates emotional closeness, a sense of belonging, and healing of hearts.

Someone who is willing to be vulnerable with their partner, displays themselves to their partner by exposing intimate parts of their body and soul. Humans are sensitive to rejection, and someone who allows themselves to be seen, smelled, and touched so intimately risks painful criticism. On the other hand, they also open themselves to acceptance and joy in themselves and their bodies. Sexuality is deeply personal and touches the heart.

Certainly, in most marriages, we find men who want to be with their wives, and who want their wives to enjoy their sexuality and theirs as well. That their body would be seen by their partner as a blessing and not as a burden. These longings show that men shouldn’t be viewed as having just one need, but a range of desires: some physical, some relational, some emotional, and some spiritual.

To Acknowledge the Good Without Blurring the Bad

“One thing opposite the other God has made” (ze le’umat ze asa ha’elohim), male sexuality is expansive and has the power to affect both for good and for ill. It’s important that the necessary focus on harm and danger doesn't erase the good. If we teach our sons that their sexual organ is not a “bringer of peace” but a destructive weapon, and our daughters that they must guard themselves from this dangerous weapon, we make it hard for them to understand sexuality as something that can be connected to goodness, marital joy, and love.

In the fight against evil, it’s important to also remember and acknowledge the good—to think and speak about the positive aspects of sexuality, which do exist in many couples, to whom the physical and sexual intimacy strengthens them, their home, and their parenting. Sexuality is certainly not everything, but for many, it’s a source of strength that positively influences every area of their lives.

Rav Hananel Ross is a clinical psychologist and couple therapist, researcher of masculinity and sexuality. Check out his upcoming course:

What transforms a boy into a man? What hurts one's masculinity? How does masculinity affect the way men feel and react towards emotions? What’s the relationship between fatherhood and masculinity? These questions stand at the heart of Hananel Ross's upcoming course “Being a Man in the World." The course is aimed at every curious person and its goal is expanding our understanding of masculinity and the ways it impacts us. You can read the course syllabus here: https://bit.ly/Being_a_man. Eden Center graduates are eligible for 50% off the registration fee - be in touch with Alana at alana@theedencenter.com for details.

The course starts on May 27th. You can register at: bit.ly/4ixzV6L