Supporting a Friend After Stillbirth or Pregnancy Loss: What Helps, What Hurts, and How to Truly Show Up

Pregnancy loss and stillbirth are among the most profound and life-altering experiences a person can endure. Yet many grieving parents will say that one of the hardest parts is not only the loss itself, but the grief they have to navigate

alongside going back to normal life afterwards. Friends desperately want to help, but often feel unsure what to say or do, frightened of saying the wrong thing, or they withdraw because the pain feels too uncomfortable for them to navigate. Silence, avoidance, and platitudes can hurt more than people realize.

This article will help you understand what your friend may be going through and how to show up in ways that truly support healing.

One of the most important principles to understand is that there is no right way to grieve. Loss at 8 weeks or 38 weeks, stillbirth, TFMR, NICU death, infertility, chemical pregnancy, or even a negative test after months of hope, all involve grief and shattered expectations.

Your friend’s pain counts exactly as it is. Avoid statements like:

• “At least it was early.”

• “You can try again.”

• “Everything happens for a reason.”

• “God only gives this to the strong.”

• “At least you have other children.”

Even if well-intended, these can minimize grief. 

Instead, you can say things like:

• “I’m so deeply sorry.”

• “This is devastating.”

• “I’m here. I love you. I’m not going anywhere.”

• “You don’t have to be strong with me.”

Grief is not linear and does not move on a schedule. Your friend  may experience anger, sadness, numbness, denial, relief, confusion - sometimes all in the same day! Your role is not to fix it, but to make emotional space for whatever is there. 

Don’t avoid the baby or the loss!

Even if it feels awkward or hard, acknowledge what’s happened to your friend and don’t talk around it or in indirect ways that allude to what happened without actually mentioning it. If the parents have named their baby, use the name when they do. 

Follow their lead, of course, you don’t have to go on and on about their loss, but don’t erase the child or situation because you are uncomfortable. 

What to do instead of trying to make it better

You cannot take their pain away. But you can sit beside them and create a safe space for them to cry or talk; listen without trying to fix; tolerate silence; text things like “thinking of you” or “how are you doing?” And “I’m still here if you want to talk about it or need anything”, weeks and months later. 

Avoid giving meaning to the loss unless they clearly invite it. For some, faith feels comforting; for others, it may feel confusing, painful, or even infuriating. Your positive spiritual spin could feel like a spiritual bypass or undermining the agony they’re experiencing. They may well also connect to something deeper within it all, but that’s for them to define and name - not you.  

Practical help matters more than perfect words

Grief is exhausting. Hormones, physical recovery, trauma symptoms all combine to make daily life feel overwhelming. This is where friends can make an enormous difference. Here are practical supports that are often truly helpful:

• arranging or paying for cleaning help

• organizing meal deliveries (ask dietary preferences first)

• childcare for siblings

• grocery shopping

• laundry

• managing phone calls or bureaucracy if they ask

  
  

Important sensitivity around gifts and packages

After pregnancy loss or stillbirth, postpartum bodies still ache, bleed, lactate, and shift,  yet there is no baby at home. This can be excruciating. So avoid postpartum gift boxes that assume breastfeeding, such as nursing pillows, nipple cream and baby items that may be included in packages. These can retraumatize.

Be sensitive around your own pregnancy or baby news

If you are pregnant or have a newborn tell them gently and privately, don’t surprise them in public. Allow them to step back without guilt and expect complicated emotions that may not be communicated explicitly to you.  They may love you and your baby deeply  and also hurt profoundly at the same time. 

Check-ins shouldn’t end after the first week

The world moves on quickly, grief does not. Powerful moments to check in include:

• expected due date

• baby’s birthday

• anniversary of loss

• after you know they’ve had doctor appointments

• Chagim

• after others announce pregnancies

Simple messages work:

• “I’m thinking of you today.”

• “How is your heart?”

• “Lighting a candle for your baby tonight.”

  
  

Some extra what-not-to-dos:

Avoid:

• changing the subject when they mention the baby

• comparing their loss to unrelated hardships

• using clichés (“at least…”)

• assuming they’re “better now”

• pushing them to “move on”

• sharing inspirational miracle stories

  
  

Another Factor to Consider…

For some women, the idea of the mikveh, sex, or trying to get pregnant again is intensely triggering or unbearable for a time. They may feel angry at Hashem, disconnected from faith, terrified of pregnancy, not ready for touch of sexuality because of how sad they still feel../ This is common and normal. If a friend confides these kinds of struggles with you, do not pressure or give halachic advice. You can explore accessing compassionate rabbinic or therapeutic guidance if they wish (and if they don’t that’s also ok, that’s where they’re at). Above all: trust them to know what feels safe in their body and simply bare witness, listen and offer acceptance and understanding. If she’s choosing to share these kinds of intimate struggles with you, it means you’re a safe person for her. Be careful not to let any of your own judgments or worries about Halacha stand in your way of maintaining that safety and loving presence. 

Grief is uncomfortable and no one finds it easy to confront, but showing up for your friend in a situation like this will mean so much to both them - and in the long run to you too. Be careful, but go for it. Your sensitive, practical support can help an awful time feel that bit more bearable. 

Hadassah Hazan is a Jerusalem based clinical social worker who specialises in working with attachment and relational issues (disrupted attachment in childhood, sexual trauma (both from a long time ago and more recent), and the plethora of reasons people can struggle with self-love, self-acceptance and connecting to others.

She has worked for a decade in the field of eating disorder and body image difficulties, and also with people struggling with aspects of their identity such as sexuality, religious or spiritual shifts and major life transitions.

Hadassah has written for a number of publications about her experiences with fertility treatment and pregnancy loss, and has advocated at leading Israeli hospitals for trauma informed services to be more readily available to women going through these challenges.