Love Needs a Language: A Tu B’Av Practice for Emotional Intimacy

Tu B’Av is often described as the Jewish holiday of love. It invites us to celebrate romance, partnership, and the joy of finding—or continuing to choose—the person with whom we build our lives.

But lasting love is not created only through romantic gestures or physical attraction. It is built through the quieter  less visible work of a relationship: paying attention, listening with curiosity, expressing appreciation, sharing vulnerability, and learning to understand what is happening inside the person beside us.

Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplashr

Emotional intimacy is the foundation of deep and enduring connection. It allows us to feel not only loved, but truly known.  In Shir HaShirim it says:

“נַפְשִׁי יָצְאָה בְדַבְּרוֹ”“My soul went out when he spoke.”— Shir HaShirim 5:6

His words do not merely communicate information; they draw out and touch her nefesh. That is a powerful biblical expression of emotional intimacy through speech. Both the communicator and the one receiving the communication, feel gifted by this kind of interchange. A sharing of souls, if you will. 

Yet even couples who care deeply for one another can struggle to find the language for this kind of closeness. This Tu B’Av, we can celebrate love by making space not only for romance, but for meaningful communication.

When Talking Is Not the Same as Connecting

Life moves quickly. Conversations can easily become dominated by logistics:

Who is picking up the children? What do we need from the supermarket? Did you pay that bill? What time are we leaving?

A couple may speak throughout the day without ever sharing what each person is actually experiencing.

We may know what our partner did today without knowing what moved them, disappointed them, worried them, or gave them hope. We may live alongside one another while rarely pausing to ask, “What is happening inside you?”

Sometimes, we need a simple structure to help us slow down and meet one another again.

What Niddah Can Teach Us About Intimacy

Jewish marital life contains a framework that reminds us that closeness requires intention.

The rhythms of niddah and mikveh introduce boundaries into physical intimacy. They teach that not everything is available at every moment and that a loving relationship cannot depend solely on physical touch.

During times when physical expressions of affection are limited, a couple is challenged to develop other ways of communicating and connecting. We must learn to express care through our words, our attention, our actions, and our willingness to listen.

Of course, observing the laws of niddah does not automatically create emotional intimacy. Distance can become loneliness, and reunion can remain primarily physical, unless we consciously cultivate the relationship beneath it.

But the cycle of niddah and mikveh can invite important questions:

How do we remain emotionally present to one another when touch is unavailable?

How do we express affection and care in other ways?

How can we make our reunion not only physical, but also emotional and spiritual?

Physical intimacy can be a beautiful expression of closeness, but it cannot replace emotional connection. A healthy, lasting relationship needs both.

Building a Language for Emotional Intimacy

Emotional intimacy does not always develop through one dramatic, heart-to-heart conversation.

More often, it grows through small moments of honest sharing that take place consistently over time.

The following couples’ communication exercise may initially seem simple or even superficial. But simple questions can create new pathways of communication. They help us become more aware of our own inner lives and more curious about the person we love.

Over time, they give us a language for sharing both the joy and the difficulty—the good days, the disappointments, the needs, and the dreams—that make up a life and a relationship.

I first learned this practice under the name “the Swedish Communication Tool.” A more descriptive name might simply be the Six-Question Check-In.

The Six-Question Check-In for Couples

Choose a comfortable space and a calm time when you are unlikely to be interrupted. Put away your phones and remove other distractions.

Each partner answers all six questions. One person completes the entire exercise before the other begins.

While your partner is speaking:

• Do not interrupt.

• Do not correct their version of events.

• Do not defend yourself.

• Do not offer advice.

• Do not try to solve the problem.

Your only responses should be:

“Thank you for sharing.”

Or:

“I love you.”

That is all.

1. What was the best part of my day?

This allows your partner to share what brought joy, satisfaction, meaning, or even a small moment of relief.

2. What was the hardest part of my day?

This creates space for stress, frustration, disappointment, or pain without immediately trying to make it disappear.

3. What do I love and appreciate about you?

Regularly expressing appreciation helps us notice the good in our partner rather than allowing it to become invisible or taken for granted.

4. What am I feeling right now?

Naming feelings helps us develop an emotional vocabulary. It also helps our partner understand what may be present beneath our words or behavior.

5. What do I need right now?

This does not mean that every need must immediately be fulfilled. The first step is simply learning to identify and communicate our needs rather than expecting our partner to guess them.

6. What are my hopes and dreams?

Relationships are not composed only of today’s responsibilities. This question reminds us that both partners are still growing, imagining, longing, and becoming.

Try It for Two Weeks

Practice the Six-Question Check-In for two weeks without expectations.

Do not judge whether each conversation was deep enough. Do not use the questions to begin an argument or solve every difficulty in the relationship. Do not become discouraged if some answers feel brief or ordinary.

The purpose is to practice showing up, speaking honestly, and listening without defensiveness.

As the exercise becomes more familiar, the answers may gradually deepen. A passing frustration may reveal an underlying fear. A simple need may open a conversation about feeling valued or supported. A hope for the future may remind you of a dream you once shared.

These small conversations can become the foundation for much more meaningful connection.

Celebrating Greater Connection

Tu B’Av offers an opportunity to celebrate love not only with flowers, dinner, or time together, but by making room to truly hear the person we love.

Boundaries can help us become more intentional. Listening can help us become more compassionate. Honest communication can help physical intimacy grow out of a deeper experience of emotional closeness.

This Tu B’Av, try asking six simple questions.

Then listen. Not to respond, correct, or fix, but to know and be known.

May we build relationships in which physical and emotional intimacy strengthen one another, in which both partners feel seen, valued, and safe, and in which our efforts to listen and understand bring greater love, tenderness, and blessing into our homes.

Shira Neuman is a social worker passionate about helping women and couples build healthier, more connected relationships, drawing on clinical training and a Torah-based perspective. She lives in Jerusalem with her husband and five daughters.