This post won’t tell you that "Observing the laws of family purity will automatically keep your relationship exciting" or that "If you immerse in the mikveh, all your relationship or personal struggles will disappear." Instead, this is a real and honest reflection.
So, what does mikveh have to do with passion?
Throughout our lives, from a very young age, certain experiences shape our intimate and physical relationships in profound ways. Let me share Dana’s story with you.
Dana’s Story
At age 3, Dana, a highly sensitive child, received endless kisses on the cheek from her loving father, even when she squirmed and asked him to stop—simply because he adored her. (At the same time, she was taught that she shouldn’t touch others without their consent.)
At age 5, Dana’s mother insisted she hug her grandfather at a family event, even though she didn’t want to. (That same year, Dana’s kindergarten put on a play called “My Body Belongs to Me.”)
At age 10, Dana’s mother took her to the doctor, who examined her stomach and back without anyone asking for her consent. Dana didn’t resist—she had learned that compliance was expected. (Meanwhile, that year in school, she was taught to firmly say “no” to strangers.)
By adolescence, Dana's body had changed. She was now taught that her body was private, sacred, and meant to be covered. She learned to restrain herself—to avoid touch, and to ensure that others didn’t touch her. She was taught that she had autonomy over her body, that only she had the right to decide what happened to it.
Dana grew up, fell in love, and got engaged. And then she was told:
"You have to take birth control so you won’t get your period on your wedding day."
"You must perform internal checks for seven days and report to the mikveh attendant that they were clean."
"You are required to meticulously prepare before immersing, and the mikveh attendant will inspect your body to ensure you did everything properly."
"The attendant decides when and how you immerse, and your role is to follow her instructions."
"If you’re unsure whether you are ritually pure or still forbidden to your husband, you need to show your underwear to a rabbi, who will decide for you."
Suddenly, Dana lost her bodily autonomy.
She realized that now, after marriage, her body was no longer solely hers. And whether she consciously recognized it or not, this shift in perception carried over into her intimate life. She felt that her body now belonged not just to her—but also to her husband.
At first, Dana’s passion burned bright. But over time, it faded.
A Reality Check
Dana’s story is fictional. It may sound extreme—or maybe it doesn’t. And yet, nearly every woman will recognize at least a small part of herself in Dana’s experience, even the strongest and most self-assured women.
This story is not meant to say that religion is harmful. It’s not meant to criticize mikveh attendants, rabbis, or the laws of family purity.
All of these things—halacha, mikveh, and the sacred framework of intimacy—are pure and holy at their core.
But anything sacred can be distorted. And the Torah never intended for its laws to directly or indirectly damage the intimate lives of couples.
A Different Kind of Mikveh Experience
This is my third year serving as a mikveh attendant in Tzur Hadassah. To be honest, it was never my dream to take on this role. Some days, it’s incredibly hard to find the time.
But this week, during my shift, I stopped to read a sign hanging in the preparation room—a message crafted by our team of volunteer attendants, expressing our unique approach:
"If there is anything that could make your immersion experience more comfortable, or if you have personal requests, please do not hesitate to share them with the mikveh attendant."
At our mikveh, the woman directs her immersion experience. At our mikveh, the woman retains full autonomy over her body.
Tzur Hadassah’s mikveh is one of the things I am most proud of.Not because I feel like I’m doing something extraordinary—but because I know that at the very least, I am not causing harm.And to me, that is everything.
May more mikvaot like this exist throughout Israel.Amen.
Comments