Going to the Mikveh When Your Marriage Feels Strained

Taharat hamishpacha and mikveh are often spoken about in the language of closeness, renewal, and anticipation. When you are going through challenges in your marriage (and/or considering divorce), those same practices can feel heavy, confusing, lonely, or even painful. The halachot themselves do not change, but the emotional landscape around them absolutely does.

This is such a tender place to be standing.

Photo by Milada Vigerova on Unsplash

What follows are gentle, practical suggestions for approaching mikveh during a time when you are navigating challenges in your marriage (whether temporary or longer term) with care, dignity, and compassion for yourself. We’ve included a variety of suggestions since different ideas speak to different people.

1) Separate the mitzvah from the marriage story

Right now, mikveh may feel loaded with meaning about the relationship. As much as you are able, try to shift the frame:

• This is between you and Hashem

• This is about your body, your rhythm, your kedushah

• This is not a verdict on the state of your marriage

• You are not going to the mikveh for him.

• You are going because this is part of your avodat Hashem.

That mental shift alone can ease a great deal of emotional resistance.

2) Give yourself permission to arrive exactly as you are

You don’t have to feel uplifted.You don’t have to feel romantic.You don’t have to feel hopeful.

You are allowed to come feeling:

• numb

• sad

• angry

• confused

• exhausted

The mikveh holds all of that. There is no requirement to arrive emotionally “ready.”

3) Rethink the preparation time

Bedikot and preparation can become emotionally intense when you are already feeling fragile.

Some helpful approaches:

• Do bedikot calmly and simply, in a way that does not add stress to your life. Performing the minimal halachically required checks (hefsek, 1+7) still fulfills the mitzvah, particularly when the process is emotionally painful.

• Keep preparation technical rather than symbolic.

• Play music, listen to a podcast, or gently distract your mind while preparing.

• Do not allow the process to become an emotional spiral.

You are doing a halachic process, not performing a ceremony.

4) Consider which mikveh feels safest and most supportive

Mikveh can bring up deep vulnerability, especially during a time of marital strain. It may help to think intentionally about where and how you immerse.

Some women prefer the familiarity of their regular mikveh, or may have no alternative if there is only one local option. Others, particularly in small communities, may find it easier emotionally to attend a different mikveh where they are less likely to encounter staff they know personally and feel less exposed during this challenging time or to immerse without the presence of a balanit, if that is an option at your mikveh.

There is no one right choice. What matters most is choosing what feels safest and least emotionally taxing for you at that time—and allowing that choice to change when needed.

5) Allow the prayer accompanying your tevilla to change

You do not have to daven for shalom bayit if that feels too raw.

You might choose to daven instead for:

• clarity

• strength

• calm

• dignity

• guidance

• your children or family

Or you may say nothing at all and simply be held by the water.

Silence, too, can be a tefillah.

6) Prepare for the emotional drop afterward

Many women experiencing marital strain feel a wave of grief, anxiety, or emptiness after mikveh night. This is very common.

Why?

• Mikveh often symbolizes connection, and when the relationship is strained that contrast can be painful.

• You may still long for intimacy—emotional or physical—and feel the loss of not having it, or not being able to give it.

When engaging with your partner on mikveh night is too emotionally painful, or if you will not be together, plan something gentle for yourself that night:

• a friend to text, call, or meet

• a comforting book or show

• an early night

Try not to leave yourself emotionally alone with the weight of it.

7) If intimacy is complicated right now

While immersion makes physical intimacy halachically permissible, it is not an obligation.

If intimacy is part of healing the relationship and both partners are emotionally aligned, it can be positive. However, when emotional readiness is not present, physical closeness can become confusing, painful, or even emotionally exploitative, and may ultimately cause harm.

When partners are not on the same page, differing expectations about what mikveh night “means” can deepen confusion, hurt, or mistrust.

There are nuanced halachic and emotional considerations in times of marital strain. You do not have to navigate this alone. Seeking guidance from a knowledgeable professional is not a failure—it is wisdom.

8) Let mikveh become a place of personal anchoring

When so much feels unstable, this monthly rhythm can become:

• something steady

• something familiar

• something that is still yours

A reminder that you are more than this crisis. You are a Jewish woman connected to a holy rhythm that predates this moment and will outlast it.

9) Be very, very gentle with yourself

There is no “right way” to feel about mikveh during this time.

If you feel resentful — that is human.If you feel comforted — that is human.If you feel nothing at all — that is human.

All of it is allowed.

A Personal Prayer at the Mikveh During a Time of Marital Strain

This is an example of a personal tefillah for a woman immersing while carrying the weight of a marital crisis. Feel free to use it as written, or simply as inspiration for your own words.

Ribbono Shel Olam,

I am here in Your waters exactly as I am.Not calm. Not certain. Not whole.Just here.

You know what my heart is carrying.The confusion, the hurt, the fear, the exhaustion.I don’t have the words to ask for anything big right now.

So I ask for small things.

Please give me strength for this moment.Please give me clarity for the next step.Please protect my children with Your peace.Please place dignity in my choices and calm in my thoughts.

If healing is meant to come, guide us toward it gently.If change is meant to come, hold me steady through it.

Let these waters carry what I cannot carry alone.Let them wash away some of the heaviness I have been holding.

Remind me that I am still me.Still worthy. Still whole in Your eyes.Still a Jewish woman walking a holy path, even when the path feels dark.

I place this night, this pain, and this unknown in Your hands.

Stay with me.