What is Desire?

Women often wonder: Do I have a low libido? Am I not attracted to my husband? It seems like he always wants to have sex more than I do...

It’s important to start with the question: What is libido?—rather than basing our understanding on what we see on TV or in movies.

Most emotions begin with a sensation, meaning a physical sensation. We might feel butterflies in our stomach, a tingling sensation in our hands and feet, or tightness in our chest. These sensations quickly reach the brain, where they are linked to thoughts. Butterflies in the stomach might translate to "I’m nervous," "excited," or "scared." A tingling sensation in the hands or feet, on the other hand, might lead to thoughts of anticipation, pride after a good workout, or frustration about not having started exercising months ago (because if we had, our muscles surely wouldn’t be reacting this way).

What are the sensations that turn into desire? Is desire a prerequisite for good sex—and who even knows what that means? If we don’t feel desire when looking at or thinking about our partner, does that mean we’re not sexually attracted to them? Or worse—does it mean something is fundamentally broken within us?

In her book Come as You Are, sex educator Emily Nagoski aims to reassure and educate women on this topic. She explains that there are three types of desire... that’s right; three.

We are most familiar with the type of desire known as spontaneous desire. This is the kind we see on TV screens—when a couple is in bed, they turn to each other, and they both just feel it… both of them… at the same time. A woman thinks about her partner, sees a picture of him, or hears his voice over the phone, and immediately she is filled with sexual desire. This type of desire is more common in men, though some women experience it as well.

The second type is responsive desire. Rosemary Basson, in her "Female Sexual Response Cycle" model, introduces a key concept—willingness. A woman (and sometimes a man) may not experience automatic feelings of desire, but if she is willing to be open to the idea of sexual intimacy, she can respond to sexual stimuli that lead to arousal and desire… and that’s a good thing.

The third type, which is just as important, is contextual desire. This type of desire is similar to but not identical to responsive desire. The key difference is the background context. Context means where we are and how we perceive it. For example, some people feel desire when they are outside their daily routine—on a romantic getaway say in a tzimmer or romantic hotel getaway. Others are sparked by romantic gestures, such as new bedsheets, a bed free of laundry piles, or the ambiance of candles and soft music.

The good news is that desire exists within us. To find it, we need to make time to listen to ourselves and tune in to both the messages we receive from our bodies and the way our minds interpret them. We just need to remember that a physical sensation, combined with cognitive interpretation, creates emotion.